Thursday, November 12, 2009

What If Chuck Norris Were A Migrant?

By: Kyledeb

Andrea Nill over at Think Progress' Wonk Room picked up one of the most entertaining developments in the U.S. migration policy debate that I've had the pleasure of coming across in some time. Chuck Norris is pro-migrant!

Just in case you haven't been on the planet Earth in the last five years, Chuck Norris has become an Internet phenomenon for satirical "facts" invoking his name. Chuck Norris himself seems to have an ambivalent relationship with these "facts", but there is one new "fact" Chuck Norris might be proud to claim. Taking Rachel LaBruyere's lead at the Standing FIRM Blog, here is a new "Chuck Norris fact": Chuck Norris can fix the broken U.S. migration system in 1 minute on Fox News.

This new "Chuck Norris fact" got me thinking. What kind of Chuck Norris facts could folks come up with in the U.S. migration policy debate? Even better, what if Chuck Norris were a migrant? Here's what I came up with.

If Chuck Norris were a migrant:

1. Chuck Norris would not cross the border. Chuck Norris would move earth with his feet until the border crossed him. Chuck Norris would then proceed to annihilate the border with a barrage of roundhouse kicks. Nothing crosses Chuck Norris, not even the border.

2. Chuck Norris would not just take jobs away from citizens, he would take every job, and do each job well, all at the same time, for free. Citizens would never have to work again. Chuck Norris would do everything for them.

3. Nativists would try to call Chuck Norris an illegal alien. With a blink, Chuck Norris would deflect their thoughts and nativists would succeed only in creating an illegal world for themselves where nativists would be the aliens.

4. Chuck Norris would not need to learn the language. Chuck Norris would stare people down until the language learned him. Anyone needing customer service would dial one for a beating from Chuck Norris for being stupid enough to require help from someone in a foreign country.

5. Chuck Norris' tears would not just cure cancer, his tears would cure leprosy and every other disease migrants are blamed for. Unfortunately, since Chuck Norris never cries, every fictitious case of leprosy that Lou Dobbs blames on migrants would actually be Chuck Norris' fault. Chuck Norris would make Lou Dobbs tell the truth.

Feel free to add your Chuck Norris migrant facts in the comments.

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